Nobody really talks about how to let go of a child. You raise them, love them day in and day out, and go through SO much. And then, BAM! They leave you. Seems kind of messed up, right? Ha! So here is my story…
The day we dropped our firstborn off at college was a day I dreaded for a long long time. That may seem like a normal thing for a mom to say, right? But I think I had a very unhealthy sadness with letting him go. Let’s take a walk down memory lane together for a moment so I can explain a little better, shall we?
I had my Dom when I was 21. I was young, scared, immature, and clueless. But, OHMYGOODNESS, did he changed my life in the BEST way possible. He gave my life purpose. He pushed me to dream big and tackle those scary dreams I probably wouldn’t have gone after had it not been for him. He brought a joy into my heart and life that I just didn’t know was possible. While most of my friends were off experiencing the college life and transitioning into adulthood, I was thrown into adulthood very quickly and had to grow up much faster than I had anticipated. But it was amazing! I wouldn’t trade that for anything. I am forever grateful that I was able to experience being a “young” mama with him. He’s my little buddy…we grew up together.
When I was pregnant with him, I was trying to wrap my head around what was about to occur. I was going to be a MOM! Whuuuuut??? It just blew my mind. How does one even be a mom? How do I raise a child? I was clueless. At the time I was insanely obsessed with Chicken for the Soul Books. Remember those? Ha! I loved them so very much! And so I bought one for Moms. It had so many amazing stories in it. One, in particular, touched me so deeply that it forever has stayed with me. This poem changed my perception of being a mom and made me realize before Dom was even born to soak it all up and that time would fly by. I hope you love it as much as I do:
No More Oatmeal Kisses-January 26, 1969
(Erma Bombeck)
A young mother writes: “I know you’ve written before about the empty-nest syndrome, that lonely period after the children are grown and gone. Right now I’m up to my eyeballs in laundry and muddy boots. The baby is teething; the boys are fighting. My husband just called and said to eat without him, and I fell off my diet. Lay it on me again, will you?”
OK. One of these days, you’ll shout, “Why don’t you kids grow up and act your age!” And they will. Or, “You guys get outside and find yourselves something to do…and don’t slam the door!” And they won’t.
You’ll straighten up the boys’ bedroom neat and tidy: bumper stickers discarded, bedspread tucked and smooth, toys displayed on the shelves. Hangers in the closet. Animals caged. And you’ll say out loud, “Now I want it to stay this way.” And it will.
You’ll prepare a perfect dinner with a salad that hasn’t been picked to death and a cake with no finger traces in the icing, and you’ll say, “Now, there’s a meal for company.” And you’ll eat it alone.
You’ll say, “I want complete privacy on the phone. No dancing around. No demolition crews. Silence! Do you hear?” And you’ll have it.
No more plastic tablecloths stained with spaghetti. No more bedspreads to protect the sofa from damp bottoms. No more gates to stumble over at the top of the basement steps. No more clothespins under the sofa. No more playpens to arrange a room around.
No more anxious nights under a vaporizer tent. No more sand on the sheets or Popeye movies in the bathroom. No more iron-on patches, rubber bands for ponytails, tight boots or wet knotted shoestrings.
Imagine. A lipstick with a point on it. No baby-sitter for New Year’s Eve. Washing only once a week. Seeing a steak that isn’t ground. Having your teeth cleaned without a baby on your lap.
No PTA meetings. No carpools. No blaring radios. No one washing her hair at 11 o’clock at night. Having your own roll of Scotch tape.
Think about it. No more Christmas presents out of toothpicks and library paste. No more sloppy oatmeal kisses. No more tooth fairy. No giggles in the dark. No knees to heal, no responsibility.
Only a voice crying, “Why don’t you grow up?” and the silence echoing, “I did.”
Gut-wrenching and beautiful all at once, right? So that poem just kind of has held me together throughout motherhood. Or at least attempted to. I have made a ton of mistakes, absolutely, but I definitely took my role as a mother very seriously and did my best to put my kids first. Dom’s childhood flewwwww by! And then the countdown began…I think somewhere around 8th grade. You see, I knew he was going to go off into the world. He wasn’t going to stay here once he graduated from high school. He’s always been a super independent kid and had big huge dreams and goals. This boy was going to FLY!!!!
“Five more years.”, I quietly whispered to myself.
Freshman year began. Deep breaths. “Four more years…you’ve got this Shauntel. That’s a long time!”
Sophomore year. Driving. He’s home less and less. How do I miss him already even if he’s still here? And then Junior year. And then it happened…Senior year arrived. HOW? How did that happen? It was as if his entire life up to that point we were slowly going up a hill on a roller coaster. Click, Click, Click…and then that senior year hit and we just flew down the hill. So fast, I couldn’t even breathe! My hands were up…I was here for it. I was ready!!!! HE was ready!
Christmas break ended. I gave myself a pep talk, “Come on, Shauntel…you can do this!” I had vowed to make those final few months with him at home so calm, chill, fun, and special. I was going to be okay. I could do this!!!!
CRASH. March of 2020 hit. No going back to school. No final track season. No prom. No mother’s tea. No graduation. No grad parties. No graduation trips. No making those final amazing memories with your friends before you go off into the world. I was angry, broken-hearted, and just lost. Ugh…soooooo very lost.
That summer flew by. I mentally took care of myself (I was not okay but did my best to get myself better) while still reminding myself that he was still going to leave and I needed to brace myself to not only let this precious boy of mine go but to let him go into this weird and new world that I just couldn’t wrap my head around.
August was here before I knew it. In 17 days, we would move him into his dorm. I was having a hard time sleeping. My anxiety was through the roof. My heart constantly ached. My thoughts were all over the place. “This is a dream, right? He can’t really be leaving. How will I sleep without him safe and sound under our roof? I felt sick. This is a sick joke. I raise this child and love him for this long and now I just let him go off into the world? Nope. This can’t be really happening to me.” My pillow was constantly soaked in tears. My heart was slowly breaking.
On the Friday before we were to take him to school I lost it. LOST IT. My heart was just in panic mode. The ache was just insane. There are some who are able to handle their kids leaving, there are some who are sad but push through just fine. Then there was me. I was neither. Ha! I was literally in so much pain and just didn’t know how to let this precious boy of mine go. And what happened next wasn’t planned at all…but it happened and I am forever grateful it did. It was a gorgeous sunny day out and I got into my car and just drove. I had no clue where I was going or for how long but I drove. I prayed a LOT. Asking God to help me get through this season of life and to protect my boy. Keep him safe and give him an amazing college experience. Bring him incredible life lessons and friendships. Keep him healthy. I prayed for his happiness and that he loved his school. So many prayers for him…
The best part? The playlist I had slowly made and built up for 5 years (you know, in hopes of using it at his graduation party) was a sweet playlist for my boy & finally got to put it to use. I cried so many tears as I listened to all of the music that reminded me of him and his life up until then. Songs he sang as a kiddo, songs we sang together driving back and forth to Arrowhead during my cheerleading days, songs that reminded me of him, songs that came from movies we watched together over and over again when he was little. Songs that he performed to on his little pretend stages. Saying Goodbye by Kermit the Frog was on the list. Ugh… gut-wrenching, right?
Friends, for over eight hours I drove unknown backroads of Kansas City. Tears streamed down my face the entire time. Never have I ever cried so much in my entire life. I was saying goodbye. Not to my little boy, no. Dom will forever be my little boy. My precious son. No, I didn’t say goodbye to my Dom that day. But I did say goodbye to a season in our life. A beautiful chapter that was coming to an end. But I also reminded myself that we still have so many more amazing chapters to come. And for that, I’m so grateful. The tears eventually stopped. I had let it all out.
So the big day finally arrived! It was the day we were to pack him up and take him off to his new season of life…college! Guess what? I didn’t shed a single tear. I was able to truly enjoy the experience. We dropped him off and as we drove off, I felt nothing but confidence that we had done our best and raised an amazing human. As I saw him in the reflection of the mirror, I smiled…he was ready! And so was I. Thank you, Lord.
There is no right or wrong way to let a child walk into adulthood. But if there happens to be anyone out there feeling anywhere close to what I felt…I hope you find some comfort in this. I am almost two years out from this day and, yes I miss him so much, but I’m okay. And you’ll be okay too. Hugs and love! Xoxo